♛ A Swan Song (only not really)

“ As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades to nothing because the waves just can’t reach. Then, you’re in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can’t get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you’ll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it.”

I have one particular “Swan Song” which I’ve delayed for one hell of a time. Every time I think about it, I promptly put it back into the far corners of my mind, and it quietly sits there — not nagging me, not yelling at me, not being a nuisance at all. But it’s still there, and that bothers me.
Truth be told, I never felt like Robin was “leaving” Trinidad, because, hell, it’s Robin. Robin was always there; on my first day at ISPS, Robin was there and that will never change. I remember finding out during my first week — 3 years ago — that she was leaving at the end of tenth grade. To my 8th-grade-self, that date felt as if it were decades away.
So, between then and now, all sorts of things happened. Through Robin, I met Simon, then Ed, then Lanora…then, much later on, we met Mai. I had moments where I felt infinite (since that is the only word which can ever describe them) and I had moments where anxiety ate away at my heart. Either way, they were there; they were there and nothing can ever change that. We did so many things, I can’t even put my finger on them. We got through the meanest project ever — with one massive radish to prove it. We went to Tobago (where Robin slept on me… >A>), we went to Costa Rica, we went to Toronto. We stood in a big circle in the cafeteria and annoyed particular seniors with our vivacious presence ( “I see nothing’s changed over the break…“). We made the Loch Ness Monster into a legacy. We were in the fetal position together. And we were just together; eating fatty foods at Ruby Tuesday’s, playing with the Wii, lurking around school, laughing our asses off at things which no one else could ever understand, helping each other with every step. We made the B.O.K. We dreamed of traveling (and taking over) the world. Together. Not just one person — all of us. Even now, I don’t feel as if Robin left the group; or if Simon did, or if Lanora did. Perhaps I’m in denial; or maybe I’m a tiny bit more intelligent than I give myself credit for.

We were looking at old pictures last night; reminiscing. Laughing, crying, the whole jazz. I found one of Ed when he was in 7th Grade. Ed commented on how miserable he looked. “That was before everything!” was Robin’s response to it. And it was. I just thought it was interesting — how we can be depressed or sad now, but the future will probably bring something wonderful back to us. It’s important to not stop; to not give up, to hang in there. I know that The Core will never end — even if we all go our separate paths, even if we stop talking for a month, even if it seems as if you’re alone in the world and no one gives a damn. Because they were here, and they will always continue to be here — even if they’re far away. Memories will keep on being made. And that’s good enough for me.

“But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel with them. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.”

“Knowing it is one thing, living it out is another.”

Exams are over, O-V-E-R: OVER, and this means a number of things:

The new school year is now, actually, the new year.

No more assignments to turn in, no more things-which-you’ve-learned-months-ago to cram into your poor brain.

A CLEAN SLATE.

We can all feel it. A Golden Age is about to unfold: no more moping, no more brooding, no more dirty talk and no more negativity. 2010 will be one hell of a year.

(Boldness & italics are, indeed, necessary.)

Annoyingly enough, I wanted to write, but OF COURSE Microsoft Word 2007 decides to flat-out bail on me, and OF COURSE it won’t let me copy/paste anything into Notepad. WOE IS ME. My poor babies (i.e. unfinished ‘works.’) I’m going to have to nag for a new copy of it, unless I can find the old… CD… thingies which we have it on. Or something.

I guess this is the world’s way of telling me to stop rereading and editing everything and to actually make some bloody progress.

On another note entirely, history is so much fun. History parodies have (unfortunately) become overrated, but Kate Beaton should be revered as a god. We will be the Beatonists, her comics will be our Holy Book, and it will be spectacular. This strip is my favourite so far; I am totally buying Never Learn Anything From History. Probably tonight, actually — along with a landslide of clothes. Hey, I deserve it…!

WeHeartIt is another place on the web which I cannot seem to leave.

Anyway: plans. Today is strictly reserved for lazing about the house in beat-up old clothes. I have to recuperate — my exam state was not fun. Especially my diet. When I get antsy, I eat. And I don’t just eat anything. No, I develop an “exam diet.” Last year, it was chips and salsa (which I now cannot eat without a tiny corner of my mind urging me to puke my brains out). This year, the designated dish was… hot chocolate and Chinese Take-Out; specifically, fried wontons. Hot chocolate. And fried wontons. What the hell, self.For your information, I am now on one of my let’s-try-to-eat-healthy-only-not-really diets. I swear, I didn’t register that I was eating the KFC today. I swear.

Incidentally, I cannot remember the last time I had something other than a muffin for breakfast.

I’ll eat a proper breakfast tomorrow, if I wake up early enough. ALSO, Ed, Mai and I are probably going to see that Avatar movie thing tomorrow, as a “END OF EXAMS YAAAY” celebration. Ed, Jean-Marc, Vere and I want to see Sherlock Holmes next weekend. I am aware that the opinions regarding that film have… varied, but, regardless, Leslie told me I’d enjoy it, so I’ll give it a shot. I’m also planning on manipulating them into dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s afterwards. Hng, fried shrimp. Diet? What diet? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

And, yes, I promise this every time, but I MEAN IT: I’ll be updating this place way more often, so stay tuned..! I’m actually working on another “100-things-about-me” post. It’s been in my drafts for a day or two — I’m on number…60. I think. And I also need to have a geeky post, because what’s Jamie’s blog supposed to be if it doesn’t have some video game spam in it? xD This will most likely be Sims 3-related… Just you wait.

Until then, see you all on the flip side. WORD.

♛ this little world’s too crowded now

My current favourite song. Whenever I listen to it, I feel as if someone opened up my chest and let my heart free. It’s an amazing feeling. I hope you can feel it when you listen, too.

Milk thistle, milk thistle
Let me down slow,
Help me go slow.
I’ve been carrying on,
I’m not scared of nothing.
I’ll go pound for pound;
I keep death on my mind
Like a heavy crown.
If I go to heaven
I’ll be bored as hell,
Like a little baby
At the bottom of a well

Fair child, fair child
How are you, man?
Did you fix that storefront?
Did you start that band?
Don’t be scared of nothing
You go pound for pound
You bring peace to midnight
Like a spotted owl.
I’ll be rooting for you
Like my favorite team
If somebody sweats you
You just point them out to me

All the sights and sounds
This little world’s too crowded now
And there’s only one way out
An elevator ride
Through the tunnel towards the light
And I’m nowhere bound
Keep going up and down
Up and down

Newspaper, newspaper
Can’t take no more
You’re here every morning
Waiting at my door
I’m just trying to kiss you
And you stab my eyes
Make me blue forever
Like an island sky
And I’m not pretending
That it’s all okay
Just let me have my coffee
Before you take away the day

Lazarus, Lazarus
Why all the tears?
Did your faithful chauffeur just disappear?
What a lonesome feeling
To be waiting around
Like some washed up actress
In a Tinseltown
But for the record
I’d come pick you up
We’ll head for the ocean
Just say when you’ve had enough

All the light and sound
This little world’s too fragile now
And there’s only one way out
But if you let me slide
I’ll do my best to make things right
And I’m nowhere bound
Just going up and down
Up and down

Milk thistle, milk thistle
Let me down slow
Just help me go slow
I’ve been hurrying on
I was poised for greatness
I was down and out
I keep death at my heels
Like a basset hound
If I go to heaven
I’ll be bored as hell
Like a crying baby
At the bottom of a well

♛ you’ll be in my heart

I haven’t mentioned it, but amidst all of the note-taking, reading and studying (which can only occur during the dreaded Final Stretch), I have given into my inner child.
Last week, Ed, Mai and myself assembled in Ed’s game-room, armed with 5 DVDs. These weren’t just ordinary DVDs — most definitely not. They were classics: The Lion King, Aladdin, Tarzan, Brother Bear and The Polar Express. The mission? To marathon these works of art in a single sitting. At first, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, 10 hours worth of movies? We can hardly sit still for just one. (If you don’t believe me, just ask Robin.)
You might be wondering what triggered this. I’m not too sure, myself… All I know is that Ed had tons of History notes to take, and he somehow stumbled upon a song from The Lion King. Next thing I know, I’m being bombarded on MSN with CAPITALIZED lyrics of virtually EVERY DISNEY SONG which he owned. This sudden, rekindled love spread like the plague. After burning us each a CD of classic Disney songs (which I’m, incidentally, listening to now), Ed successfully brought Mai and I back to our childhood, and we made plans for the Epic Marathon as soon as possible.
And, let me just say… it was amazing. I hadn’t watched The Lion King, Tarzan, or Aladdin in ages, and I’d never even seen Brother Bear or The Polar Express. Tarzan and Brother Bear were my favourites, hands down.
For Tarzan, we ever came up with some connections.

Robin → Tantor (the elephant). This match-up was totally sold when he said his very first line: “Is this water sanitary? (*prods at water disdainfully*)…It looks questionable to me!”
Mai → Terk (the girl gorilla). Terk is spunky, loud and loves music. She generally screams Mai.
Simon → Tarzan. ‘Nuff said.
Me → Jane. She flails a lot and sometimes doesn’t know what to do with herself. She’s somewhat awkward but “in a nice way”. Plus she’s a total sap, so.

WE COULDN’T FIND A DIRECT RELATION TO ED, but I think he’s that monkey which stole the paper from Jane’s sketchbook. Mai and I also thought that he’s kind of like Tarzan’s mother. xD

Anyway, back on track: The Lion King is also, of course, epic — but I tend to sympathize with Scar too much, so I go through this ~inner conflict~ while watching. The animation and storyline are to die for, though… The 3 main hyenas were EXACT reincarnations of the Trinidadian-Core. (I mean, one of them is named Ed. How OBVIOUS can this get?)

Looking back on these old childhood classics is really awesome… not only do you have those “OH, WOW, I REMEMBER THAT..!” moments — you also pick up all sorts of subtext which you’d NEVER notice as a kid. I mean, seriously. Jafar calling Jasmine his “pussycat”? Really?
Either way, watching those movies really touched me — especially since I got to do it with two of my favourite people. They reminded me that the world is actually a very, very fun place to be in… if you know where to look.

That being said, look out, Amazon: I’m going on a movie spree later.

♛ the final stretch

That special time of year has come around once again!
My family is embracing the holiday spirit: Our tree is up, our stockings are out, and gift-shopping is being done. I plan on going all-out this year.
Once next week is over, I will officially be free to slack off as much as my heart desires (I’ll be giving my soul up to the Christmas spirit, I think). Naturally, the end-of-term crunch is upon us all, and the thought keeping us all alive is that we WILL be done with this soon.
This week seems to be flying by. I think I blame this on the sudden onslaught of tests… It’s crazy. On tomorrow’s agenda is a Pre-Calculus test (groan. Math has never agreed with me. NEVER.) and a short Environmental Science speech based on climate change. I have to admit, I’m nervous about both. Hopefully all will turn out okay in the end. A lot of my friends have finals right now, so I guess I should be grateful.

It’s pretty crazy that I’m almost through with my 3rd year of high school. I can’t help but ask myself, “when did you grow up?” Maybe I haven’t grown up yet. Maybe I have. Maybe I never will. Either way, I don’t particularly want to believe that I’ll ever grow up: being young is way more fun.

♛ pale blue dot

Pale Blue Dot
“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.
On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you
Ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out
Their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering,
Thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic
Doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward,
Every creator and destroyer of civilization,every king and
Peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and
Father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher
Of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,”
Every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the
History of our species lived there- on a mote of dust
Suspended in a sunbeam.”

– Carl Sagan

♛ overload

I feel as if I’m failing as a blogger, so I’m going to make myself post here way more often. DEAL WITH IT.
Also, update your blogrolls to this blog instead of perfectly flawed, please~*~
ANYWAY…

Yesterday was possibly one of the weirdest days ever. I just felt emotionally drained. Everything was just messy and foreign and strange. I was *THIS* close to breaking down in AP World History, and I’m not entirely sure why. All I know is that I was thinking about Lanora, which led to thinking about saying “goodybe” to Lanora, which lead to thinking about Robin, which led to thinking about Mai and Ed, which led to thinking about Mrs. Chesler, which led to thinking about… I think you get the idea. Everything was just swirling around, to the point where I eventually just felt like puking. I just got up and left to go to the bathroom, because I’d reached the point where I needed to just breathe for a bit.
People ended up being in the bathroom, so I didn’t want to freak them out by “emptying the tank.” So I just staggered down to the Nurse’s office after standing awkwardly in front of the mirror for a while. When I was there, some little kid had gotten a brick tossed at his head, so there was all this drama. (It wasn’t serious, just a small cut, but he was very upset… which is understandable, of course.) I didn’t want to get in the way, so I just lay down in the “sick bed” and felt totally out of it. Eventually, the nurse came in and was all concerned. She took my temperature, and then was like “oh woah, you have a fever!” To which I was just like “What.” She said she was going to call my parents (swine flu paranoia?) and that I should rest and drink plenty of liquids (cliche advice, but eh, it works). After giving me a random assortment of pills, she whisked me off.
Mai met me with my schoolbag (I told her I felt ill in History, so she produced a logical outcome as to where I’d be at) and she walked me to my house. The security guards were all concerned about me, it was sort of funny because we really only say “HI” and “BYE” in the mornings/afternoons. Still nice, though. When I arrived home, my mother got worried and she told me to sleep for a bit. I randomly cried, but eventually just lulled myself to sleep. I’m still not entirely sure what triggered this stream of events. Maybe I was just sick in the morning to begin with. I woke up and tried to make up some of the missed work from my classes last week, which kind of made everything worse. But I talked it all out with my mother, popped in some old anime DVDs, and talked to all of my friends on MSN later on that night. That cheered me up a lot, and I went to bed feeling 100x better.
As for today — everything is back to being okay. It’s weird just having one of those days when you feel so overwhelmed with everything that you can’t function properly. Sort of silly, but I guess we all go through it.

On a brighter note: next week is a short week at school! And this upcoming long-weekend is going to host a movie marathon of epic proportions. The Lion King and Tarzan, anyone? I’m also going to watch the first Pokemon movie (it always brings me to tears). I love having all the VCRs for these things. They add that “childhood” feeling; they’re all precious to me.

Also:

Robin:
ADD A SHOUT-OUT TO ME
FOR BEING AWESOME AND FINISHING

a shout-out to Robin, who just finished studying for her Pre-Calculus test! sdgjdkghjkd GOOD JOB GURLFRAAAYYN.

♛ life as i know it

First of all: that promise I made to blog more? I guess I broke it. Not intentionally though, I swear. I’ve just been pretty busy.
I was asking Ed and Robin about what I should write about for my “grand return,” if you can even call it that, and they said that I should just do one big, general life update since it’s been so long. (Well, actually, Robin told me to write about her at least 6 times before giving me a proper response…but that’s okay, because that’s just how she is and I love her for it)

School

→ School has been as hectic as ever. The halls are crowded with people trying to find their way, both literally and figuratively. This year, the freshmen seem to have multiplied in number, so getting from class to class is pretty much like going through a war zone. The workload’s way more intense than it was last year, which is pretty ironic. I mean, you’d think that, when you’re getting closer to college and “the real world,” people would give you a chance to breathe. Instead, they’re shoving papers, books, research and tests down your throat. It’s a ball of stress, truth be told, to the point where everything school-related is turning into shades of gray (if that makes sense). I can’t wait for it to be over with, because it makes me feel as if I am an undead creature, but, at the same time, I really don’t want it to end any time soon.

Friends

→ Through Risa, I’ve met two new friends whom I ADORE. Ting-Ting, English name: Leslie, is one of them: she’s a laid-back dork, but in a horribly hilarious and lovely way. I can talk with her about the strangest things for hours on end (see also: Pokemon) and still be totally amused. Her computer graphics are also the most amazing things ever. She’s an all-around sweet person. Sarah is the other friend — her and Leslie are pretty much a duo. Sarah is logical but in a very illogical way, and her randomness surpasses even mine. We have a good time teasing Leslie and Risa, because that’s just how we are. While I’m at it, I’ll talk about my other friends, too, seeing as this is a new blog. Since I mentioned her a few times, Risa is one of my best friends, who I met around a year ago. She lives in Florida and is hilarious. We’re not very alike, but we still fit together so well. We haven’t met in-person yet, but we’ve seen each other via webcam and things (technology is so convenient!), and we’re planning to meet up sometime in life. Robin recently (recently? A few months ago, but it seems like it was just yesterday because I try not to think about it) migrated from Trinidad to Canada. Robin is my bubbly, sassy momma, and our “goodbyes” were certainly not final — as I type this, I’m talking to her on MSN. We’ll also be visiting each other in the future, which will definitely be amazing. Traveling with “The Core” (the name which my closest friends and I call ourselves) is always epic (see also: Toronto Trip of ’09. Ed’s another member of the Core: he’s my anchor — no matter what happens, Ed is *always* there. He has strange phases where he’s incredibly hyper and nonsensical — much to the disbelief of many people out there. We’ve had both silly and deep conversations, and in my eyes, this is pretty much essential in a good, stable friendship. Mai is the final member of The Core: she’s an edgey, creative person who is simply kickass and very, very strong. Her and Ed are both way taller than me, so it’s like they’re my bodyguards. Pretty hilarious, I think. Nic is another one of my really good friends; we’ve been talking for I think a year now, but it might be more than that. Or less? I’m not sure. Either way, between geeking out about Persona 4 and various other topics, he’s definitely become a huge part of my life — despite the fact that our conversations usually take place between 11p.m. and 3a.m. (Oops?)

Games

→ LATALE IS AMAZING. My non-Mac-user friends and I always go there whenever we have some free time. Online games are the best, because you can have a hell of a time with friends while playing a game. It’s like MSN, only better. They’re heavenly for gamers, and I think LaTale is one of the best I’ve ever played. I’ve also been playing Tales of Vesperia, which I have yet to finish, and I’ve been poking at Pokemon: Platinum Version in preparation for Pokemon: Heart Gold‘s release.

Today.

→ I’ve caught some kind of weird cold, which is really lame because tomorrow is a To Write Love On Her Arms event which Mai and I were planning on taking part in. The worst part about having a cold is definitely the fact that your ears get all blocked up, so you end up speaking really loudly and listening to your music loudly, all unintentionally, and everything and everyone sounds all echo-y and weird. I can kind of deal with everything else, usually. Everyone seems to be a lot more happy and hyper when you’re sick, which is also very weird. The good thing is that I’m not missing a lot in school (since it’s the end of the week, and tomorrow is a half-day), so I’m just going to wither away in the comfort of my bedroom. Today, I read Saint Young Men, which is an amazing manga which you can also read here. In a nutshell: Jesus and Buddha are best friends, living together in an apartment in modern-day Japan. It’s hilarious in a clever, fun way which I’ve come to adore.
Here are two pages of it: click the preview thumbnails to view the full sized pages.

♛ fields of paper flowers

I was formerly thexrocketship, as you may or may not know. Why did I move here? THE NAME’S BETTER, and also, the old one just made me feel a bit strange. Because I kept leaving it alone, then going back to it, then leaving it alone, then going back to it. I’m planning on sticking to this one way more.

I have another blog, but that one’s basically my outlet for being silly. Or talking with my online friends. It’s really not that special or interesting, and if I showed a link to it for outsiders, no one would really understand it. (Plus, it’s locked, so yeah.) I keep a private blog, which I only go to whenever I feel like a broken puzzle and need to pull myself together. They’re both pretty important to me, but I think it’s important to establish a middle ground where I can be me and no one else. I’m not trying to be weird by saying this, I’m really just talking.

But anyway. If you’re reading this, chances are you know me, but they’re also chances that you don’t know me. I’m Jamie, and right now, I’m caught up in the middle of wanting to be a part of life and wanting to run away from it all. I’m 15 years old and I’ve just entered my 3rd year of high school. Wow, that’s so weird. My third year. I feel as if I’m supposed to be acting all teenager-ish and snobby. Or like, constructing a makeshift ladder out of my dad’s ties and running off into the night.

People tell me that I’m smart, but I don’t think I’m smart at all. I just work hard and I know how to bs. People also call my artistic, but I really just like colourful things. (Ask anyone. If it’s colourful, I love it. But I like dark things, too, so I’m not sure what I’m going at.) I’m unmotivated half of the time, which is a shame. I love to write, but I also have extremely high standards, so I rarely do it. This is yet another shame. I have a lot to work on.

I don’t like the idea of putting a grade on things, because I don’t think academics or how “good” you are at something is a good indication of who you are. People all have different opinions, all people are different, yet in the modern world, everyone seems to gush over grades and things. Well, I know amazing people who get bad grades. Like, tons. And I also know people who get amazing grades but are horrible, mean, trite people. I like learning about how things work, though I think half of what we learn at school is pretty worthless. I think the things which we learn on our own are the most important. But by “on our own,” I don’t mean “by oneself.” I mean outside of work — with family, with friends. Those things seem to stick better, I think. But I guess you do learn some things by yourself, so yeah. It makes me depressed when I see someone working really hard on grades and ignoring everything else.

I don’t like talking very much, because once words are out, you can’t take them back no matter what. I love thinking, because it doesn’t matter what I think — no one will ever know, and if I want to change my opinion on something, I don’t need to prove it to anyone. Not even myself, if I don’t want to. I’m also not very good with people, but I’m trying a lot harder now. I don’t want to have to learn the hard way. I think I’m only skimming the surface on the “hard way.” I have bad timing and I don’t trust my “gut” very much. These are only more things which I’m trying to fix.

I love Pokemon. I wish they were real. This is childish, but I don’t care. I believe in ghosts and spirits and other dimensions. I think tarot cards really do tell the truth. I also think that they’re all laughing at us humans, because we all think we know so much when in reality we know very little. I wonder why we all need to know so much. I think we should all just blow bubbles in the park or something. Life is too short to worry about how light refracts and how to dissect a poor frog. Frogs are probably a lot more fun than people. I wish that the world was one big community with no borders, and that we all loved each other regardless of everything. I wish I could go outside and walk for ages and never have to look over my shoulder for danger. Danger is thrilling and exciting, but I think freedom is better.

I’m not an atheist, but I’m not religious. I don’t know what I am. I think there is a higher power, but I don’t think that they want to tell us what to do and how to do it. Most of all, I think they would be able to see the good in everyone. When I see religions who are all “punish the wicked,” I can’t help but wonder who “the wicked” are. Because there must be something human in everyone. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. And even if the “wicked” person hides it, they must still have it deep in there somewhere. I think it’s a “higher being”‘s responsibility to see that good and somehow bring it out. I also don’t think a higher being would be hypocritical or stupid or hate someone because of how their skin looks or who they love. I think they’d love everyone and all of that happy stuff.

I’m just rambling about everything, but I hope that you kind of understand me a bit better, even if you knew me from before. And Robin wants to say something about her here, so I’ll just say that she’s a very special friend to me, along with some others: Ed, Mai, Risa, Leslie, Sarah, and April. They’re all very important. I have a few more friends, but I don’t really know where I stand with them all the time. Those are the most amazing people in the world. I don’t think I’d be able to live without them. In fact, I know I wouldn’t be able to.