♛ fields of paper flowers

I was formerly thexrocketship, as you may or may not know. Why did I move here? THE NAME’S BETTER, and also, the old one just made me feel a bit strange. Because I kept leaving it alone, then going back to it, then leaving it alone, then going back to it. I’m planning on sticking to this one way more.

I have another blog, but that one’s basically my outlet for being silly. Or talking with my online friends. It’s really not that special or interesting, and if I showed a link to it for outsiders, no one would really understand it. (Plus, it’s locked, so yeah.) I keep a private blog, which I only go to whenever I feel like a broken puzzle and need to pull myself together. They’re both pretty important to me, but I think it’s important to establish a middle ground where I can be me and no one else. I’m not trying to be weird by saying this, I’m really just talking.

But anyway. If you’re reading this, chances are you know me, but they’re also chances that you don’t know me. I’m Jamie, and right now, I’m caught up in the middle of wanting to be a part of life and wanting to run away from it all. I’m 15 years old and I’ve just entered my 3rd year of high school. Wow, that’s so weird. My third year. I feel as if I’m supposed to be acting all teenager-ish and snobby. Or like, constructing a makeshift ladder out of my dad’s ties and running off into the night.

People tell me that I’m smart, but I don’t think I’m smart at all. I just work hard and I know how to bs. People also call my artistic, but I really just like colourful things. (Ask anyone. If it’s colourful, I love it. But I like dark things, too, so I’m not sure what I’m going at.) I’m unmotivated half of the time, which is a shame. I love to write, but I also have extremely high standards, so I rarely do it. This is yet another shame. I have a lot to work on.

I don’t like the idea of putting a grade on things, because I don’t think academics or how “good” you are at something is a good indication of who you are. People all have different opinions, all people are different, yet in the modern world, everyone seems to gush over grades and things. Well, I know amazing people who get bad grades. Like, tons. And I also know people who get amazing grades but are horrible, mean, trite people. I like learning about how things work, though I think half of what we learn at school is pretty worthless. I think the things which we learn on our own are the most important. But by “on our own,” I don’t mean “by oneself.” I mean outside of work — with family, with friends. Those things seem to stick better, I think. But I guess you do learn some things by yourself, so yeah. It makes me depressed when I see someone working really hard on grades and ignoring everything else.

I don’t like talking very much, because once words are out, you can’t take them back no matter what. I love thinking, because it doesn’t matter what I think — no one will ever know, and if I want to change my opinion on something, I don’t need to prove it to anyone. Not even myself, if I don’t want to. I’m also not very good with people, but I’m trying a lot harder now. I don’t want to have to learn the hard way. I think I’m only skimming the surface on the “hard way.” I have bad timing and I don’t trust my “gut” very much. These are only more things which I’m trying to fix.

I love Pokemon. I wish they were real. This is childish, but I don’t care. I believe in ghosts and spirits and other dimensions. I think tarot cards really do tell the truth. I also think that they’re all laughing at us humans, because we all think we know so much when in reality we know very little. I wonder why we all need to know so much. I think we should all just blow bubbles in the park or something. Life is too short to worry about how light refracts and how to dissect a poor frog. Frogs are probably a lot more fun than people. I wish that the world was one big community with no borders, and that we all loved each other regardless of everything. I wish I could go outside and walk for ages and never have to look over my shoulder for danger. Danger is thrilling and exciting, but I think freedom is better.

I’m not an atheist, but I’m not religious. I don’t know what I am. I think there is a higher power, but I don’t think that they want to tell us what to do and how to do it. Most of all, I think they would be able to see the good in everyone. When I see religions who are all “punish the wicked,” I can’t help but wonder who “the wicked” are. Because there must be something human in everyone. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. And even if the “wicked” person hides it, they must still have it deep in there somewhere. I think it’s a “higher being”‘s responsibility to see that good and somehow bring it out. I also don’t think a higher being would be hypocritical or stupid or hate someone because of how their skin looks or who they love. I think they’d love everyone and all of that happy stuff.

I’m just rambling about everything, but I hope that you kind of understand me a bit better, even if you knew me from before. And Robin wants to say something about her here, so I’ll just say that she’s a very special friend to me, along with some others: Ed, Mai, Risa, Leslie, Sarah, and April. They’re all very important. I have a few more friends, but I don’t really know where I stand with them all the time. Those are the most amazing people in the world. I don’t think I’d be able to live without them. In fact, I know I wouldn’t be able to.