♛ A Swan Song (only not really)

6 02 2010

As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades to nothing because the waves just can’t reach. Then, you’re in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can’t get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you’ll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it.”

I have one particular “Swan Song” which I’ve delayed for one hell of a time. Every time I think about it, I promptly put it back into the far corners of my mind, and it quietly sits there — not nagging me, not yelling at me, not being a nuisance at all. But it’s still there, and that bothers me.
Truth be told, I never felt like Robin was “leaving” Trinidad, because, hell, it’s Robin. Robin was always there; on my first day at ISPS, Robin was there and that will never change. I remember finding out during my first week — 3 years ago — that she was leaving at the end of tenth grade. To my 8th-grade-self, that date felt as if it were decades away.
So, between then and now, all sorts of things happened. Through Robin, I met Simon, then Ed, then Lanora…then, much later on, we met Mai. I had moments where I felt infinite (since that is the only word which can ever describe them) and I had moments where anxiety ate away at my heart. Either way, they were there; they were there and nothing can ever change that. We did so many things, I can’t even put my finger on them. We got through the meanest project ever — with one massive radish to prove it. We went to Tobago (where Robin slept on me… >A>), we went to Costa Rica, we went to Toronto. We stood in a big circle in the cafeteria and annoyed particular seniors with our vivacious presence ( “I see nothing’s changed over the break…“). We made the Loch Ness Monster into a legacy. We were in the fetal position together. And we were just together; eating fatty foods at Ruby Tuesday’s, playing with the Wii, lurking around school, laughing our asses off at things which no one else could ever understand, helping each other with every step. We made the B.O.K. We dreamed of traveling (and taking over) the world. Together. Not just one person — all of us. Even now, I don’t feel as if Robin left the group; or if Simon did, or if Lanora did. Perhaps I’m in denial; or maybe I’m a tiny bit more intelligent than I give myself credit for.

We were looking at old pictures last night; reminiscing. Laughing, crying, the whole jazz. I found one of Ed when he was in 7th Grade. Ed commented on how miserable he looked. “That was before everything!” was Robin’s response to it. And it was. I just thought it was interesting — how we can be depressed or sad now, but the future will probably bring something wonderful back to us. It’s important to not stop; to not give up, to hang in there. I know that The Core will never end — even if we all go our separate paths, even if we stop talking for a month, even if it seems as if you’re alone in the world and no one gives a damn. Because they were here, and they will always continue to be here — even if they’re far away. Memories will keep on being made. And that’s good enough for me.

“But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel with them. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.”


“Knowing it is one thing, living it out is another.”

22 01 2010

Exams are over, O-V-E-R: OVER, and this means a number of things:

  • The new school year is now, actually, the new year.
  • No more assignments to turn in, no more things-which-you’ve-learned-months-ago to cram into your poor brain.
  • We can all feel it. A Golden Age is about to unfold: no more moping, no more brooding, no more dirty talk and no more negativity. 2010 will be one hell of a year.

    (Boldness & italics are, indeed, necessary.)

    Annoyingly enough, I wanted to write, but OF COURSE Microsoft Word 2007 decides to flat-out bail on me, and OF COURSE it won’t let me copy/paste anything into Notepad. WOE IS ME. My poor babies (i.e. unfinished ‘works.’) I’m going to have to nag for a new copy of it, unless I can find the old… CD… thingies which we have it on. Or something.

    I guess this is the world’s way of telling me to stop rereading and editing everything and to actually make some bloody progress.

    On another note entirely, history is so much fun. History parodies have (unfortunately) become overrated, but Kate Beaton should be revered as a god. We will be the Beatonists, her comics will be our Holy Book, and it will be spectacular. This strip is my favourite so far; I am totally buying Never Learn Anything From History. Probably tonight, actually — along with a landslide of clothes. Hey, I deserve it…!

    WeHeartIt is another place on the web which I cannot seem to leave.

    Anyway: plans. Today is strictly reserved for lazing about the house in beat-up old clothes. I have to recuperate — my exam state was not fun. Especially my diet. When I get antsy, I eat. And I don’t just eat anything. No, I develop an “exam diet.” Last year, it was chips and salsa (which I now cannot eat without a tiny corner of my mind urging me to puke my brains out). This year, the designated dish was… hot chocolate and Chinese Take-Out; specifically, fried wontons. Hot chocolate. And fried wontons. What the hell, self.For your information, I am now on one of my let’s-try-to-eat-healthy-only-not-really diets. I swear, I didn’t register that I was eating the KFC today. I swear.

    Incidentally, I cannot remember the last time I had something other than a muffin for breakfast.

    I’ll eat a proper breakfast tomorrow, if I wake up early enough. ALSO, Ed, Mai and I are probably going to see that Avatar movie thing tomorrow, as a “END OF EXAMS YAAAY” celebration. Ed, Jean-Marc, Vere and I want to see Sherlock Holmes next weekend. I am aware that the opinions regarding that film have… varied, but, regardless, Leslie told me I’d enjoy it, so I’ll give it a shot. I’m also planning on manipulating them into dinner at Ruby Tuesday’s afterwards. Hng, fried shrimp. Diet? What diet? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

    And, yes, I promise this every time, but I MEAN IT: I’ll be updating this place way more often, so stay tuned..! I’m actually working on another “100-things-about-me” post. It’s been in my drafts for a day or two — I’m on number…60. I think. And I also need to have a geeky post, because what’s Jamie’s blog supposed to be if it doesn’t have some video game spam in it? xD This will most likely be Sims 3-related… Just you wait.

    Until then, see you all on the flip side. WORD.

    ♛ this little world’s too crowded now

    7 12 2009

    My current favourite song. Whenever I listen to it, I feel as if someone opened up my chest and let my heart free. It’s an amazing feeling. I hope you can feel it when you listen, too.

    Milk thistle, milk thistle
    Let me down slow,
    Help me go slow.
    I’ve been carrying on,
    I’m not scared of nothing.
    I’ll go pound for pound;
    I keep death on my mind
    Like a heavy crown.
    If I go to heaven
    I’ll be bored as hell,
    Like a little baby
    At the bottom of a well

    Fair child, fair child
    How are you, man?
    Did you fix that storefront?
    Did you start that band?
    Don’t be scared of nothing
    You go pound for pound
    You bring peace to midnight
    Like a spotted owl.
    I’ll be rooting for you
    Like my favorite team
    If somebody sweats you
    You just point them out to me

    All the sights and sounds
    This little world’s too crowded now
    And there’s only one way out
    An elevator ride
    Through the tunnel towards the light
    And I’m nowhere bound
    Keep going up and down
    Up and down

    Newspaper, newspaper
    Can’t take no more
    You’re here every morning
    Waiting at my door
    I’m just trying to kiss you
    And you stab my eyes
    Make me blue forever
    Like an island sky
    And I’m not pretending
    That it’s all okay
    Just let me have my coffee
    Before you take away the day

    Lazarus, Lazarus
    Why all the tears?
    Did your faithful chauffeur just disappear?
    What a lonesome feeling
    To be waiting around
    Like some washed up actress
    In a Tinseltown
    But for the record
    I’d come pick you up
    We’ll head for the ocean
    Just say when you’ve had enough

    All the light and sound
    This little world’s too fragile now
    And there’s only one way out
    But if you let me slide
    I’ll do my best to make things right
    And I’m nowhere bound
    Just going up and down
    Up and down

    Milk thistle, milk thistle
    Let me down slow
    Just help me go slow
    I’ve been hurrying on
    I was poised for greatness
    I was down and out
    I keep death at my heels
    Like a basset hound
    If I go to heaven
    I’ll be bored as hell
    Like a crying baby
    At the bottom of a well

    ♛ you’ll be in my heart

    3 12 2009

    I haven’t mentioned it, but amidst all of the note-taking, reading and studying (which can only occur during the dreaded Final Stretch), I have given into my inner child.
    Last week, Ed, Mai and myself assembled in Ed’s game-room, armed with 5 DVDs. These weren’t just ordinary DVDs — most definitely not. They were classics: The Lion King, Aladdin, Tarzan, Brother Bear and The Polar Express. The mission? To marathon these works of art in a single sitting. At first, I was a bit skeptical. I mean, 10 hours worth of movies? We can hardly sit still for just one. (If you don’t believe me, just ask Robin.)
    You might be wondering what triggered this. I’m not too sure, myself… All I know is that Ed had tons of History notes to take, and he somehow stumbled upon a song from The Lion King. Next thing I know, I’m being bombarded on MSN with CAPITALIZED lyrics of virtually EVERY DISNEY SONG which he owned. This sudden, rekindled love spread like the plague. After burning us each a CD of classic Disney songs (which I’m, incidentally, listening to now), Ed successfully brought Mai and I back to our childhood, and we made plans for the Epic Marathon as soon as possible.
    And, let me just say… it was amazing. I hadn’t watched The Lion King, Tarzan, or Aladdin in ages, and I’d never even seen Brother Bear or The Polar Express. Tarzan and Brother Bear were my favourites, hands down.
    For Tarzan, we ever came up with some connections.

    Robin → Tantor (the elephant). This match-up was totally sold when he said his very first line: “Is this water sanitary? (*prods at water disdainfully*)…It looks questionable to me!”
    Mai → Terk (the girl gorilla). Terk is spunky, loud and loves music. She generally screams Mai.
    Simon → Tarzan. ‘Nuff said.
    Me → Jane. She flails a lot and sometimes doesn’t know what to do with herself. She’s somewhat awkward but “in a nice way”. Plus she’s a total sap, so.

    WE COULDN’T FIND A DIRECT RELATION TO ED, but I think he’s that monkey which stole the paper from Jane’s sketchbook. Mai and I also thought that he’s kind of like Tarzan’s mother. xD

    Anyway, back on track: The Lion King is also, of course, epic — but I tend to sympathize with Scar too much, so I go through this ~inner conflict~ while watching. The animation and storyline are to die for, though… The 3 main hyenas were EXACT reincarnations of the Trinidadian-Core. (I mean, one of them is named Ed. How OBVIOUS can this get?)

    Looking back on these old childhood classics is really awesome… not only do you have those “OH, WOW, I REMEMBER THAT..!” moments — you also pick up all sorts of subtext which you’d NEVER notice as a kid. I mean, seriously. Jafar calling Jasmine his “pussycat”? Really?
    Either way, watching those movies really touched me — especially since I got to do it with two of my favourite people. They reminded me that the world is actually a very, very fun place to be in… if you know where to look.

    That being said, look out, Amazon: I’m going on a movie spree later.

    ♛ the final stretch

    2 12 2009

    That special time of year has come around once again!
    My family is embracing the holiday spirit: Our tree is up, our stockings are out, and gift-shopping is being done. I plan on going all-out this year.
    Once next week is over, I will officially be free to slack off as much as my heart desires (I’ll be giving my soul up to the Christmas spirit, I think). Naturally, the end-of-term crunch is upon us all, and the thought keeping us all alive is that we WILL be done with this soon.
    This week seems to be flying by. I think I blame this on the sudden onslaught of tests… It’s crazy. On tomorrow’s agenda is a Pre-Calculus test (groan. Math has never agreed with me. NEVER.) and a short Environmental Science speech based on climate change. I have to admit, I’m nervous about both. Hopefully all will turn out okay in the end. A lot of my friends have finals right now, so I guess I should be grateful.

    It’s pretty crazy that I’m almost through with my 3rd year of high school. I can’t help but ask myself, “when did you grow up?” Maybe I haven’t grown up yet. Maybe I have. Maybe I never will. Either way, I don’t particularly want to believe that I’ll ever grow up: being young is way more fun.

    ♛ pale blue dot

    24 11 2009


    Pale Blue Dot
    “Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.
    On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you
    Ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out
    Their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering,
    Thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic
    Doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward,
    Every creator and destroyer of civilization,every king and
    Peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and
    Father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher
    Of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,”
    Every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the
    History of our species lived there- on a mote of dust
    Suspended in a sunbeam.”

    – Carl Sagan

    ♛ overload

    18 11 2009

    I feel as if I’m failing as a blogger, so I’m going to make myself post here way more often. DEAL WITH IT.
    Also, update your blogrolls to this blog instead of perfectly flawed, please~*~

    Yesterday was possibly one of the weirdest days ever. I just felt emotionally drained. Everything was just messy and foreign and strange. I was *THIS* close to breaking down in AP World History, and I’m not entirely sure why. All I know is that I was thinking about Lanora, which led to thinking about saying “goodybe” to Lanora, which lead to thinking about Robin, which led to thinking about Mai and Ed, which led to thinking about Mrs. Chesler, which led to thinking about… I think you get the idea. Everything was just swirling around, to the point where I eventually just felt like puking. I just got up and left to go to the bathroom, because I’d reached the point where I needed to just breathe for a bit.
    People ended up being in the bathroom, so I didn’t want to freak them out by “emptying the tank.” So I just staggered down to the Nurse’s office after standing awkwardly in front of the mirror for a while. When I was there, some little kid had gotten a brick tossed at his head, so there was all this drama. (It wasn’t serious, just a small cut, but he was very upset… which is understandable, of course.) I didn’t want to get in the way, so I just lay down in the “sick bed” and felt totally out of it. Eventually, the nurse came in and was all concerned. She took my temperature, and then was like “oh woah, you have a fever!” To which I was just like “What.” She said she was going to call my parents (swine flu paranoia?) and that I should rest and drink plenty of liquids (cliche advice, but eh, it works). After giving me a random assortment of pills, she whisked me off.
    Mai met me with my schoolbag (I told her I felt ill in History, so she produced a logical outcome as to where I’d be at) and she walked me to my house. The security guards were all concerned about me, it was sort of funny because we really only say “HI” and “BYE” in the mornings/afternoons. Still nice, though. When I arrived home, my mother got worried and she told me to sleep for a bit. I randomly cried, but eventually just lulled myself to sleep. I’m still not entirely sure what triggered this stream of events. Maybe I was just sick in the morning to begin with. I woke up and tried to make up some of the missed work from my classes last week, which kind of made everything worse. But I talked it all out with my mother, popped in some old anime DVDs, and talked to all of my friends on MSN later on that night. That cheered me up a lot, and I went to bed feeling 100x better.
    As for today — everything is back to being okay. It’s weird just having one of those days when you feel so overwhelmed with everything that you can’t function properly. Sort of silly, but I guess we all go through it.

    On a brighter note: next week is a short week at school! And this upcoming long-weekend is going to host a movie marathon of epic proportions. The Lion King and Tarzan, anyone? I’m also going to watch the first Pokemon movie (it always brings me to tears). I love having all the VCRs for these things. They add that “childhood” feeling; they’re all precious to me.



    a shout-out to Robin, who just finished studying for her Pre-Calculus test! sdgjdkghjkd GOOD JOB GURLFRAAAYYN.