“ As you enter the tunnel, the wind gets sucked away, and you squint from the lights overhead. When you adjust to the lights, you can see the other side in the distance just as the sound of the radio fades to nothing because the waves just can’t reach. Then, you’re in the middle of the tunnel, and everything becomes a calm dream. As you see the opening get closer, you just can’t get there fast enough. And finally, just when you think you’ll never get there, you see the opening right in front of you. And the radio comes back even louder than you remember it. And the wind is waiting. And you fly out of the tunnel onto the bridge. And there it is. The city. A million lights and buildings and everything seems as exciting as the first time you saw it.”
I have one particular “Swan Song” which I’ve delayed for one hell of a time. Every time I think about it, I promptly put it back into the far corners of my mind, and it quietly sits there — not nagging me, not yelling at me, not being a nuisance at all. But it’s still there, and that bothers me.
Truth be told, I never felt like Robin was “leaving” Trinidad, because, hell, it’s Robin. Robin was always there; on my first day at ISPS, Robin was there and that will never change. I remember finding out during my first week — 3 years ago — that she was leaving at the end of tenth grade. To my 8th-grade-self, that date felt as if it were decades away.
So, between then and now, all sorts of things happened. Through Robin, I met Simon, then Ed, then Lanora…then, much later on, we met Mai. I had moments where I felt infinite (since that is the only word which can ever describe them) and I had moments where anxiety ate away at my heart. Either way, they were there; they were there and nothing can ever change that. We did so many things, I can’t even put my finger on them. We got through the meanest project ever — with one massive radish to prove it. We went to Tobago (where Robin slept on me… >A>), we went to Costa Rica, we went to Toronto. We stood in a big circle in the cafeteria and annoyed particular seniors with our vivacious presence ( “I see nothing’s changed over the break…“). We made the Loch Ness Monster into a legacy. We were in the fetal position together. And we were just together; eating fatty foods at Ruby Tuesday’s, playing with the Wii, lurking around school, laughing our asses off at things which no one else could ever understand, helping each other with every step. We made the B.O.K. We dreamed of traveling (and taking over) the world. Together. Not just one person — all of us. Even now, I don’t feel as if Robin left the group; or if Simon did, or if Lanora did. Perhaps I’m in denial; or maybe I’m a tiny bit more intelligent than I give myself credit for.
We were looking at old pictures last night; reminiscing. Laughing, crying, the whole jazz. I found one of Ed when he was in 7th Grade. Ed commented on how miserable he looked. “That was before everything!” was Robin’s response to it. And it was. I just thought it was interesting — how we can be depressed or sad now, but the future will probably bring something wonderful back to us. It’s important to not stop; to not give up, to hang in there. I know that The Core will never end — even if we all go our separate paths, even if we stop talking for a month, even if it seems as if you’re alone in the world and no one gives a damn. Because they were here, and they will always continue to be here — even if they’re far away. Memories will keep on being made. And that’s good enough for me.
“But mostly, I was crying because I was suddenly very aware of the fact that it was me standing up in that tunnel with the wind over my face. Not caring if I saw downtown. Not even thinking about it. Because I was standing in the tunnel with them. And I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite.”
Dreams are so not my style. 